Dear Diary
by Etheara
Summary: Crack and complete OOC-ness. Also some hints of Tobi luv. You have been warned.
1. Deidara's Secret Diary

A/N: I just love the Akatsuki. Or is it making of fun of of them? -shrugs- Same thing.

Disclaimer: You all already know, please don't make me say it.

Naruto: She doesn't own me, dattebayo!

Or Deidara-kun -sniff-

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_Saturday, June 3rd _

_Dear Diary,_

_Tobi is being an idiot again. He stole my C4-class clay and is using it as, can you believe it, as...as..._

"Deidara-senpaaiiii! I'm out of Play-doh!"

_He is SO dead, un. But I have to admit, his perfect replica of The Statue of David is astounding. _

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_Sunday, June 11th _

_Dear Diary,_

_I miss Sasori no danna. When we were bored, he used to make awesome puppet shows. After he died, I managed to salvage some of his puppets, so hopefully, Tobi won't find them and do anything stupid._

"Deidara-senpaaiiii! Pinocchio's on fire!"

_Too late. Oh,well. At least we won't run out of firewood._

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_Friday, June 16th _

_Dear Diary,_

_Tobi stole Hidan's head again during his ritual. For what, I don't know._

"Deidara-senpaaiiii! We're playing baseball, wanna play? Kisame is letting us use his Samehada for a bat!"

"Tobi, when I get my body back I swear by Jashin that I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya!"

_You can try, Hidan. You can try. I will love you forever if you do._

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_Thursday, June 22nd _

_Dear Diary,_

_Did I mention Tobi is an incompetent idiot? And, he's such a useless cook. This morning, he blew up the kitchen. I'm so hungry._

"Deidara-senpaaiiii! Can we order Sushi?"

_I think I just heard Kisame hurl._

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_Tuesday, June 27th_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm really bored. Tobi is watching his stupid morning cartoons and he won't let me watch my soap-operas! TT I wanna know if Sayuri caught Sanzo cheating on her with Momo._

"Deidara-senpaaiiii! Come watch Nickelodeon with me!"

_Hell no. I need a vacation, un._

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_Tuesday, July 4th_

_Dear Diary,_

_I hate Itachi. He thinks he's so badass. Pft, for what, 'cuz he can get any girl he wants? So he's got looks, and power. Big deal. I bet he and Kisame are an item, if you know what I mean._

"Deidara-senpaaiiii! Could you not talk to yourself out loud while you write? Itachi-sama's eyes are turning red."

Deidara never wrote his next sentence.

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_Hello, Deidara-senpai's Diary!_

_Deidara-senpai is busy at the moment. So, I'll be writing instead! _

"Tobi! Help me! Heeeeeeeelllllllllp!"

_Tobi will be a VERY good boy._

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A/N: Michaelangelo owns the Satue of David, Pinocchio belongs to Disney, and there is no way in heaven or hell that I'll ever own Nickelodeon.

Next victim, Itachi.

So, funny, hilarious, possibly the stupidest thing you ever read? I won't know unless you review, so press the pretty purple button!


	2. Itachi's Not so Secret Admirer!

A/N: What secrets does the Great Itachi hide?! I dunno, so I made them up.

Disclaimer: It's _fan-fiction,_ people.

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_Wednesday, August 1st_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, was like any other day. Some crack-obsessed-four-eyed-girl tried to glomp me. It was her sweet 16, so I made an exception. _

"Oi, Itachi. Stop writing in your _precious_ diary and get your butt in gear. We have a mission."

_Kisame, you are next on my hit-list._

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_Monday, August 6th_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm sick of these bags under my eyes. They're ruining my complexion. I ordered some creams to get rid of them, but it seems I was born with them. Another reason I killed my father. But, my photographer from Ford Models told me they have a certain appeal to the ladies... _

"Itachi, your order from Mary Kay is here!"

_Sweet. _

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_Saturday, August 11th _

_Dear Diary,_

_I HATE my name! Why did my parents name me 'weasel'?! Why can't it be something cool, like Sesshomaru, the 'Killer Perfection'?!. That name pawns even my own! _

"Itachi, can I borrow your 'Inuyasha' manga?'

"No."

_Kishimoto, I quit. Until you give me a cool name, I'm off with Rumiko's lot. Sesshomaru is a _true_ inspiration for big brothers everywhere._

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_Thursday, August 16th _

_Dear Diary,_

_Kishimoto filed a law-suit against me, so, I had no choice but to stay. Damn him. Kazuku is pissed at me, since he had to pay the law-suit. _

"Oi, Itachi, have you seen my Fish Flakes?"

_Why do I have to feed Kisame?!_

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_Monday, August 20th_

_Dear Diary,_

_It seems all I've been doing is ranting and/or complaining. I can't help it! My life isn't perfect, and my love life is practically non-existant!_

"Itachi, what do I do with these 10 barrels of fangirl love-letters that came today?"

"Burn them."

_The love is one-sided on their part. -smirk- I own those bitches._

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_Saturday, August 25th _

_Dear Diary,_

_OMG! It's a tragedy! I went to visit my optometrist for my vision check-up and she said that I needed..._

"Oi! Look where you're going, you four-eyed weasel!"

_Pft, Deidara, I can still beat your ass any day. In fact, I can beat anybody's ass! But first, I'm gonna whoop the stupid Ford Model agency! They'll regret the day they fired Uchiha Itachi! _

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_Sunday, August 31st_

_Dear Diary,_

_I GOT CONTACTS! YAY! And the fangirl fan-letters are coming in faster than ever! Hey, the crack-obsessed-four-eyed-girl's letter is in here, too!_

"_**Itachi,**_

_**You are t-e-h shiz! I got contacts, too! Now that we have something in common, please, MARRY ME!**_

_**If you don't I'll tell the whole world about your little 'plastic surgery' fiasco.**_

_**XOXOXXOXO -DNNB"**_

"Oi, Itachi, where are you goin'?"

"To buy wedding rings."

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A/N: Who is this 'mysterious' crack-obsessed-four-eyed-girl? Cookies to whoever can guess who it is...

(...ignore the flashing arrows behind me, okies?)

Well, at least Itachi solved the problem to continue the Uchiha clan.

Funny? Crack-y? The worst thing you've ever read?

Push the pretty _lavender _button (submit 'review') and my fortune shall be told!

Next victim, Kisame!


	3. Kisame's woes

A/N: Here's the LONG awaited chapter of Dear Diary, featuring our oh-so-(_not really)-_lovable shark friend, Kisame!

Disclaimer: I got nothing.

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_Saturday, March 30__th__._

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm so lonely…in the manner that I haven't found myself a female companion yet. It's so hard to be a shark! The only chick here is Konan, and she's a cold fish…pun not intended. Honestly, she can be a bitch, and she nags all of the time…_

"Kisame! If you don't clean the friggin' bathroom after you're done using it, I'm gonna ship you off to the Shedd Aquarium!"

_See? Though personally, I prefer if she doesn't send me to SeaWorld._

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_Tuesday, April 2nd,_

_Dear Diary,_

_What is it with all of the sushi puns? Technically, I'm considered a fish, but I eat other fish, too! In fact, I can eat humans as well._

"Kisame, keep those teeth away from me!"

"Aw, c'mon, Zetsu. You're a walking balanced meal."

_Humans make me fat anyway._

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_Friday, April 5__th_

_Dear Diary,_

_I have found the love of my life! And her name is Jaws…_

"Kisame! Go return that goddamned movie to Blockbuster! It's overdue!"

_Oh well, there's always the internet, I guess. But it's not the same, not the same at all!_

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_Tuesday, April 9th,_

_Dear Diary,_

_It's so hard to be a shark. I'm banned from beaches and I can't go to the swimming pools!_

"Kisame-senpai, the very reason you can't go to the pool is because you use it as your own personal toilet. Plus, you don't look good in speedos."

_I have a bladder problem, ok?_

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_Saturday, April 13__th__,_

_Dear Diary,_

_It is inconvenient, but nobody must know that if somebody punches or grabs my nose, I succumb into a state of tonic immobility._

"Kisame-senpai! Deidara-senpai taught me a trick! Look, I got your nose!"

"Tobi, you idiot, you're not supposed to grab the nose! You use your own thumb! Now, write this in my notebook:"

_Deidara, when I can move again, you'll be so sorry you ever watched the friggin' Discovery channel!_

"Tobi, your penmanship sucks."

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_Thursday, April 18__th__,_

_Dear Diary,_

_I don't think I'll ever find love! After watching _"The Hunchback of Notre Dame", _I could so relate to Quasimodo. Alas, to be in love with an inexistent love!_

"Kisame-senpai, if it makes you feel any better, I rented 'Jaws' again."

_My internet was broken._

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_Tuesday, April 25th,_

_Guess what? I lost a tooth! Yippee! I can't wait for the toothfairy to bring me a quarter! Though, Kazuku doesn't seem to pleased..._

"What?! Another tooth? Jeez, Kisame's gonna leave me with no money! This is the 5th time this month!"

_I think I'm coming down with a cold, since I just sneezed._

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A/N: Review, review, review!


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